Intimacy Anorexia: The Book

All of the Intimacy Anorexia & Married and Alone resources are very good for treating this aspect of sex addiction (SA). As is written by multiple authors, sex addiction is an “intimacy disorder,” and this along with the pervasive lying-deceitfulness mindset and lifestyle that also accompanies SA, the sex addict develops moderately to severe Intimacy Anorexia (the severity of his IA depending on multiple other factors). But Weiss is overall very uneducated (and this is quite surprising given the nature of his work and all the tons of info available) in regards to the whole devastating experience that a sexually betrayed, multi-faceted traumatized, love-starved, wife endures. In his dvd “Helping Her Heal” and here and there throughout his other resources, he shows good understanding and compassion for betrayed wives, but then he equally shows so much LACK of understanding and compassion throughout much of his resources as well, and which then so further harms and hurts wives. He just does NOT understand that it takes anywhere from 2-5 YEARS (and even beyond depending on her specific marriage and childhood experiences) to heal from all the multi-faceted trauma and grief – “avalanche” of losses is one way authors Dr. Jennifer Schneider and Dr. Deborah Corley describe this part of the wives’ experience; these authors plus Wendy Conquest wrote of the length of healing time for wives (by the way, I highly recommend all of their excellent info books!). Weiss expects wives to bounce back FAR too quickly and if they don’t, he severely shames them (by invalidating the degree, depth, and extent of their grief, pain, and trauma, and by having unrealistic demands of them) by slapping on the label that they are IA or what he refers to as “Reactive IA.” He included in his books and dvd that 39% of wives are IA, which is completely erroneous because he comes to this conclusion based on the fact of his refusal to become sufficiently educated on the extent of her multi-faceted trauma and depth of her grief which is inflicted on the wife by her unfaithful husband. Complex Betrayal Trauma, which includes Sexual Trauma (from both withIN and without the marital relationship), Emotional & Psychological Trauma, and also Reality Fragmentation Trauma (some authors use the terms Relational or Attachment Traumas). And all of these in ADDITION to her overwhelming grief and losses. Weiss is very largely completely unrealistic in his expectations of the betrayed wife, while very frequently suggesting all sorts of things for HER to do IN ORDER TO keep the recovering sex addict as COMFORTABLE as possible and doing so at HER EXPENSE (which then also diminishes HIS recovery because PAIN is what drives him to strongly pursue recovering…as has been said in the recovery world, ‘one does not change until the pain of NOT changing is GREATER THAN the pain of changing). For example, he expects her to regularly speak praises to the husband who has slaughtered her heart and life. He also – as is typical of all sex addicts – expects her to forgive way too soon -> authors like Stefanie Carnes, Milton Magness, and Vicki Tidwell Palmer strongly caution against quick-forgiveness, which is very unhealthy for the wife and also detrimental to the addict’s recover. Another example is that he strongly pushes her to be sexual with her adulterer husband very early on/FAR TOO SOON in each of their recovery process for what is best for HER, in order to protect the sex addict from experiencing the natural unpleasant consequences of his wrongfulness against her. This level of cruelty toward wives by Weiss is completely incomprehensible. In addition, until the sex addict has done a THOROUGH Step 4 in the 12-Steps program (followed by a polygraph because no sex addict will confess ALL without knowing that it will be objectively verified) of his moral failures, including his sexual ones, he brings that repulsive crap to – and literally INTO – his wife during their shared sexual experience together, which her body-heart-spirit experience as repulsive, defiling, and traumatizing. One aspect of the psychological phenomena of projecting/transference/adult-to-adult induced. Also, until he does about 18 months of very diligent recovery work (including completing a thorough written 12 Steps program in a recovery group), then followed by studying and learning about what MATURE marital sexual intimacy truly/actually is, he will just continue being sexual with her in the only way he knows how -> draining and depleting her, and very mainly only going after what brings HIM the greatest sexual intensity pleasure and not giving much care at all to what makes the experience a very positive one for HER, and this all works to further traumatize her sexually, emotionally, and psychologically, while also taking away from her already-depleted energy of focusing on her healing. The addict also is in need of learning that the only HEALTHY purpose of being sexual is to EXPRESS LOVE to his wife. It is NOT for the purpose of merely seeking his own intensity sexual pleasure, NOR that of filling his emotional or spiritual needs/voids (including that of helping him to cope with life, to manage his stress, anger, and sadness in his life) – he needs to work diligently on his own to meet those needs and in maturing in his emotional life and spiritual life, and not look to draining and using his wife sexually in order to medicate these areas. Unlike all or nearly all other recovery authors, Weiss only lists HIS resources at the back of his books for the reader to seek out more info, while other authors list multiple OTHER authors’ resources. Weiss would do well to be much more connected to and learning from many other professionals in the recovery world – this would greatly help him in correcting his multiple harmful approaches toward betrayed, traumatized wives.

Being in Celebrate Recovery for 2 years now , the steps were familiar to me. Dr. Weiss Breaks down each step and gives exercises to practice out your recovery in your daily life. I'm going to share this as a recommended book with my CR program!

not a great writer but good information.

This book has helped me so much! My husband has withheld his love, affection, time, spirituality, sex--everything from me our whole marriage starting on our wedding night. This book is not perfect in that there are grammatical errors that annoyed me and a repetitive little quiz over and over that I felt was unnecessary, but I'm ok with that because this book gives a name to the hell I live in daily!!!! About two years ago, I discovered my husband was addicted to porn and masturbation and my world crashed in around me. I have always wanted his love and affection. And sex. But he has chosen himself rather than be with me. It's such an isolating situation. Why would a husband not prefer his own willing wife? It's not like you can run around talking about this with people because most would assume there was something wrong with you. All the books on porn addiction suggested a past of abuse, but that never happened to him. Then, while in a support group on Facebook for spouses of porn addiction, someone mentioned "intimacy anorexia" and I jumped on google. Omg! The porn addiction my husband has/had was a product of his addiction to withholding from me! He intentionally picks a fight with me to get me upset or he "forgets" something again (he's also passive-aggressive), or pokes at me or touches me in ways that he knows will make me mad so that he can justify his masturbation and pushing away of me. In his passive-aggressiveness (a whole other book), he punishes me for getting mad at him when that is his whole goal in keeping intimacy out of our marriage. He never speaks of feelings. Never says "I'm mad". Just starves me of love and punishes me with silence. He puts everyone above me. Even little ridiculous things like not ever "liking" my Facebook posts even when I tag him in them. He likes everyone else's posts that he gets tagged in. It's little things like that always. Anorexic strategies include 1 starve the dog--intentionally putting the spouse in deprivation by withholding love, praise, sex and then blames the spouse and uses anger or silence to push the spouse away. 2 read their mind--basically this is where they are good and nice and they believe in their heads that their spouse is bad, negative, or critical or up to something, they can justify the withholding intentionally putting their spouse in pain. This is a crazy-maker for the spouse. HOW YOU KNOW: Exclusive to the spouse--example: they are on time for work and appointments, but are always making the spouse late (because it drives you nuts or makes you mad). In this category, something I've always had a problem with him doing, but never thought he was intentionally doing is he will be on the phone with family or friends and I get to overhear details of his life that he never shared with me. They also will have time for others, but never for the spouse. Effective: basically means since me being late makes me crazy, that's what he will do. If, say, we divorced and he remarried, he would employ different strategies to drive her crazy. They do what works. This is how it is intentional. Repeated: when they find what works--they keep doing it. Period. If you react negatively by either getting hurt or mad and distance is created, then to them that's a positive. That's the go-to methods. My husband sounds like a bad guy as I reread this, but to the world he is friendly, outgoing, social, nice, but to me he is nice enough, but has never given me intimacy. It's all done in a way that you think you are crazy or that you must be doing something wrong. Why would someone you love and who loves you hurt you on purpose? To keep the distance. To keep you from knowing their fears or their true selves. To protect themselves. I read this book in a flash, but my husband is finishing up the book he's on regarding his porn addiction before he starts this one. Once he reads it, I'll update this review with his side or hopefully a change in his behavior. He has to learn something he never learned as a child because both of his parents are also intimacy anorexics. I just know we need change. I'm tired. ***update*** My husband read this book. He, praise God, sees himself in all this craziness! This book has been one of the most helpful books for us. I’m so thankful. Even if my husband hadn’t read it, knowing that my reactions were his reward taught me how to respond without that rewarding reaction he needed. Don’t reward bad behavior! We are closer than we’ve ever been! I should also mention that we also have been going to counseling, but I belive this book was the most helpful in our situation because we haven’t even addressed intimacy yet in our sessions.

I read this book about 6 months ago, after almost 6 years of a really frustrating and confusing marriage. At the time I plowed through this book, because so many of the behaviors described were familiar to me, as I had seen them in my husband. However, examining our issues through the lens of IA did not work for us. I'd say, go ahead and read this book, but I strongly urge anyone to seek professional help. A real-life marriage counselor (if your sig other with go) or individual counselor (if they won't) will be so much more effective than reading this book and freaking out about diagnoses, etc. Some people avoid intimacy simply because they don't have the skills to achieve it. Couples can build skill in therapy--individual, couples, or group--and that is the key. The books that I found more helpful than this one were 1) The New Rules for Marriage by Terrence Real and 2) I'm OK-You're OK by Thomas Harris and 3) Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. All three really, really good books with real-life applications.

, worth reading and Good information on a new condition

Actually a high percentage of people should read this book

It was ok, expected more to do with discussing with partner, helped me understand my partner's actions. May read another one by the same author.

Excellent book, and not too lengthy to read.

This book is good, but not worth the hefty price tag. This is a pretty standardly written book. The price tag is far too high for what you get from it.